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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh and applause] >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> if you want to protect yourself get a double barrel
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shotgun. put it and fire two blasts outside the house. i promise you who is coming in is not -- you don't need an ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers an captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause )
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[crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. please, nation, sit down. as an american i don't like to talk about other countries that are not us. with their crazy names -- "notamerica-stan." [laughter] but tonight, every single story i will be reporting on comes from another country. i'm not happy about it either. blame the u.n. [laughter] first up, a story that is rocking theworld of meat. >> the united kingdom's meat industry is in disarray after horse meat was discovered in products intended for humans. >> food giant nestle suspending some of its deliveries after traces of horse dna were found in the meat. >> stores in britain, france and sweden now yanking beef products off the shelves over a horse meat scare.
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>> burger king admits some of its patties in england and ireland were tainted with horse meat. >> stephen: someone in europe is trying to slip you their tainted meat, and for once it's not silvio burlesconi. [laughter] he has been known to yank his meat off the shelves: 4r5 h- [laughter] now, everyone in europe is worried that they may be biting down on horse, instead of their usual delicacy of pickled sheep brain. [laughter] it's a complex story, so let me back up and explain how this horse scandal went down. [speaking like a racetrack announcer] and they're off -- first, horse meat was discovered in a british supermarket, but britain rounded the bend and laid the blame on the irish supplier-- who said they got it from poland. poland denies it. aaaannnd here's france, coming up strong with their own horse meat scandal, selling meat to england and sweden, but france falls behind and lays the blame on cyprus.
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cyprus now in the lead with the blame, but what's this? what's this? out of nowhere on the last leg, cyprus says they got their meat from a dutch company, who said they got it from-- who's that? who's that? it's romania! romania takes the blame!!! [laughter] [cheers and applause] but the romanians did not act alone. >> i've got a horrible feeling we're looking at a major international criminal conspiracy. >> claims that organized crime gangs are behind the contamination are threatening to errode consumer confidence. >> stephen: organized crime! [laughter] i'm not surprised the mob is involved. i mean, if you're gonna leave a horse head in a bed, why waste all that good body meat? [laughter] frankly, i don't understand why everyone is so upset over eating horse? we don't feel guilty when we happily consume the rest of noah's ark? [laughter] is it because they're our
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friends in movies and tv shows? well, i love bacon, so i just hope spielberg never makes "war pig." [laughter] there's nothing wrong with eating horse burgers. fast food should be made of fast animals. oh man, i could really go for a double-cheetah melt [laughter] nation, next up on not america, football is getting a lot of heat about traumatic brain injuries. i don't see what the big deal is. i played as a kid and i'm purply spatula. [laughter] but that hasn't stopped president obama from piling on, telling the new republic, "if i had a son, i'd have to think long and hard before i let him play football." oh, really, sir? well football doesn't want your imagery son because he throws like an imagery girl. [ laughter ]
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sadly, the spectre of childhood brain damage threatens the future of football. so clearly, we have to immediately address this crisis by talking about something else. this is "the sport report." [cheers and applause] [humming] [laughter] folks, i'm no fan but soccer is europe's most popular sport, right behind competitive three-ways. [laughter] incredible ball handling. [laughter] but now there's a dark cloud on soccer's horizon. >> hundreds of international soccer matches may have been fixed. >> we're talking world cup qualifiers, european championships qualifiers.
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these tournaments don't come any bigger and more prestigious than this. >> we're talking about 680 suspicious games involving 425 match officials, club officials, players, known criminals from some 15 countries around the world. i mean this is absolutely massive. >> stephen: i'm shocked. [laughter] who would have thought there was anything fake about soccer? it's always been a game of such integrity. [laughter] now, this game-fixing started out subtly, but authorities began to suspect something was wrong when instead of red and yellow cards, referees began holding platinum cards. and this is not an isolated scandal. russian mobsters "have targeted every level of the game. the world cup all the way down to semipro games in the soccer wilderness. so, the next time you drop off katie at her match against the mckinley titans, watch out for a
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guy with a russian accent and a briefcase full of orange slices. [laughter] the match fixing even went on in the crown jewel of european soccer, the u-ayfa champions -- if that's how you say it. [ laughter ] the u-ayfa champions league. in a game against liverpool, a hungarian team's goalkeeper was, paid to ensure that there were more than two goals scored in the match. but liverpool won by the score of one to zero. which goes to show, no one man can be more corrupt than soccer is boring. [laughter] and the fixers -- [cheers and applause] and the fixers also paid off referees, often in subtle ways. like when all seven goals in two matches came from penalty kicks awarded by referees, or a latvian game where after a
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player missed a penalty kick, the referee ordered that it be retaken. this time from inside the goal. [laughter] so will corruption destroy soccer? here to move the discussion forward without using his hands, please welcome former u.s. national team member and espn soccer analyst, alexei lalas. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] good to see you again. [cheers and applause] all right alexi, good to have you back, this is this it for socker is? is it a killing blow to the world's most favorite sport? >> absolutely not. >> stephen: why not it's corrupt you can't trust a single game. it's a sham. it's theater. it might as well be wrestling at this point. >> it's in the a sham. it's huge and very important. >> stephen: so is wrestling. >> it's important it be dealt with. when these things come out. fixing has been around for a long time but we're talking in
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europe, central america and we're talking about a massive amount of people. >> stephen: what about the united states do we have evidence of fixing in the united states? >> we have some evidence but i'm here to tell you that the u.s. major league soccer is clean and maybe in that sense there's an opportunity there. >> stephen: how would somebody fix a game? how? >> i guarantee i've played in a fixed game. there's a difference between ming in it and fixing a game. you don't need a lot to do it. it's not always the referee. it's players, players on the field and you have to have a fixer, a guy with relationship with players, an e-player, a guy who is bitter, not making a lot of money. a referee or meres making a couple how to and say hey, you can make $50,000 it's difficult to pass up. >> stephen: who is policing? fifa? >> they can do only so much. they need the help of the police in the countries. this is all always we talk about
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asia and singapore which very important. >> stephen: one guy in singapore. >> gotta get him. >> stephen: he's fixing games all over the world. >> there's an international arrest warrant for him next summer is the world cup and god forbid we're looking at the world cup next summer saying ah. once you are tainted it's difficult. when we talk about major league soccer in the united states, they are vigilant about. this they want to make sure it doesn't creep to the u.s. >> stephen: can you trust anything about a game where players are routinely slapping each other in the face with other people's hands. >> don't be a boob, steve. >> stephen: what do you mean don't be a boob. it happens all the time. oh, ow! no one going to call that? listen, i don't hate you because you have that view of soccer i
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pity you because you don't understand the beautiful game it's nuance. it's subjective. it takes superior intellect to understand the beauty of game even the theatrics we see out there. if you don't understand it's okay. i am not able to convince you [audience reacts [. >> stephen: it's fine. maybe some guy will understand the joy. you will never understand it. >> stephen:ly never rise to the level of appreciating 0-0 the excitement. thank you for joining me. >> always a pleasure. >> stephen: espn soccer analyst[cheers and applause]
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>> stephen: welcome back, every. anyone in the tv business knows best way to create a hit show is not to the create one. instead, import a hit from overseas. nbc's "the office" came from britain's "the office," and "homeland" came from the israeli show "hatufim." and "chris matthews's hardball" was adapted from the irish children's program "the very angry potato." [laughter] well, i've got my eye on a wildly popular program from norway called "national firewood
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night" which consisted mostly of people in parkas chatting and chopping in the woods and then eight hours of a fire burning in a fireplace. [laughter] it destroyed the other top norwegian shows like "so you think you can watch paint dry?" [laughter] and the amazing glaish race. [laughter] and get this almost twenty percent of the population tuned in. twenty percent! the last time that many americans watched a hunk of wood, he was playing opposite sandra bullock. [ laughter ] of course, in just 12 hours, you are never going to capture the true depth and nuance of chopping, drying and stacking wood which is why many norwegians prefer the best selling book the show is based on, solid wood, all about the chopping, drying and stacking wood and the soul of wood burning. it's available on kindle and as kind ling. of course, i've known the appeal
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of tv fire for ages. one of the longest running characters on this show has been my fireplace flamy t. fire. i used to have a real fire in there but i got shut down by big brother fire marshal just because hit no chimney and the carbon monoxide was killing my audience. [laughter] but there's one thing i don't get, folks. part of the reason why the show is successful ises but it's given older norwegian men permission to reveal their deepest thoughts while seemingly discussing firewood. i just don't understand that. [ laughter ] i mean, there's no deep feelings when you are talking wood. it's just wood. you know, you cut it up and stack it and burn it. personally i split into quarters because that's how my dad taught me. stack it loosely enough that a
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squirrel can get through but tight enough that the cat cannot follow. try telling that to your son he has no time for it. he doesn't want to talk about wood because he converted to gas. so you just stack firewood by yourself and never see your son and then there you are with all this wood and -- [laughter] and yet no warmth. [ laughter ] it burns. and it burns. and then it's gone. [ laughter ] ashes in the wind. [ laughter ] [laughter] [laughter] i miss you. [laughter]
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i miss you when i'm with you. [ laughter ] and into the fire you go. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] anyway seems like a good show. we'll be rig[cheers and applaus]
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has a new book about how to fix the health care system it costs $29.95 and a $10 copay. please welcome david goldhill. [cheers and applause] mr. goldhill, thanks so much. okay. so the name of your book is "catastrophic care" how american health care killed my father and how we can fix it. now, are you a doctor? >> no. >> stephen: you are not a
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doctor. you are, in fact, the president and c.e.o. the the game show network. >> that's correct. >> stephen: why is the president and c.e.o. of the gameshow network trying to fix our health care. aren't sick people home from work your core audience? [laughter] >> well, i hadn't thought before. >> stephen: you should think about that. you are shooting yourself in the foot right now. [laughter] >> can i go on anyway. it's a good point. >> stephen: sure. >> my interest actually came from my father's death from a hospital acquired fengs which is an all-too common experience but broadly i approach it as a business person with 300 employees for whom health scare an important issue. a prnt, a patient myself. when i see is a system broken in so many ways but that i think all of those problems have one cause that i think it has in common which is we're not the customer of the health care system. >> stephen: what? i'm the guy going there saying
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give me the drugs i'm sick. >> that's right. >> stephen: or i might be sick. give me the drugs now. [laughter] >> that's right. i think there's 310 million americans with a story about health care that involves anything as simple as lost test results, uncoordinated care, terrible service all the way to the type of harm my father and others suffer. what they have in common say system that doesn't serve us in the way anything else in life does yet arguably it's the most important industry there is. it serves medicare and medicaid. >> stephen: who do you want between me and my provider, a government panel, a death panel? >> no, what i would like to see is a greater role for patients as consumers. so what i'd like to see us recognize is that health care is no longer just about emergencies, getting hit by a bus but in fact integrated into our life in a lot of ways. >> stephen: it is. i have insurance. soon we'll have obama care.
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you know about that, right? >> i do. >> stephen: soon we'll have mandated insurance you have to buy into it. we'll be covered. what is is your beef? >> we're overinsured. >> stephen: over insured? what could you mean? i want to good in at a moment's notice for anything. >> absolutely and you should be able to. >> stephen: thank you. >> we have insurance in a lot of things in our society. if your house burns down we expect homeowners to cover us. we don't expect it to cover us if our furniture goes out the style or pay utility bills. >> stephen: who is the furniture in health care? >> the furniture in health care is the fact that a lot of health care cases are routine we expect to pay. we know we'll pay. it's not just a matter houses burning down. we have a lot of health care issues, costs beyond the urgent ones. they are a bigger part of what health care has. it's great if they covered the
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furniture policy but if everybody's furniture is covered it's a problem. >> stephen: everybody is a person so they are equal so they should be covered. >> if you are an employee starting out today. >> stephen: game show network. >> or any other company. we pay for your insurance. >> stephen: do you pay for it or is it a wheel they spin? >> we pay for it. an excellent idea though. >> stephen: you got a kidney! [cheers and applause] >> you are going to have over your lifetime. >> stephen: yes. >> somewhere around $1.8 million paid into the health care. so when we understand our system. what we need to understand is how much it's costing us. we think in terms of benefits isn't it great that everything is covered. we're all paying for each other's care, each other's furniture. the problem is as a result we created a system where there's no incentive to save money, to curb excess care, to serve customers well and no iti

The Colbert Report
Comedy Central February 20, 2013 11:30pm-12:00am PST

David Goldhill News/Business. David Goldhill. (2013) Author David Goldhill. New. (CC)

TOPIC FREQUENCY Stephen 25, Us 7, Europe 4, Britain 3, Cyprus 3, France 3, U.s. 3, Liverpool 2, United States 2, England 2, Sweden 2, Romania 2, America 2, Poland 2, Obama 1, Fifa 1, Uncoordinated 1, Nbc 1, Espn 1, Nestle 1
Network Comedy Central
Duration 00:30:00
Rating PG-13;L
Scanned in San Francisco, CA, USA
Source Comcast Cable
Tuner Virtual Ch. 63 (COM-W)
Video Codec mpeg2video
Audio Cocec ac3
Pixel width 528
Pixel height 480
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on 2/21/2013